Monday, December 21, 2009

Chappy Chanukah from Sanadougou!

Madu Sogoba: So you see, Little Boy, thousands of years ago a very mean tyrant was trying to kill all the Jews – as usual, and all the Jews thought that we had only one day’s worth of oil to fuel our lights. But to our surprise we had a full eight days of oil! And so that is why every year we Jews celebrate the Festival of Lights which we call “Chanukah” by lighting a new candle each evening! And since we have so much oil remaining, we make little fried potato cakes! And we play games and win prizes!

Little Boy: What kind of games?

Madu Sogoba: Like Dreidel!!! So the Jews, we make these little toys which we call “dreidels”, and four people sit in a circle and we each take a small pile of peanuts. Peanuts!!! You Malians are gonna love this !!! So you spin the dreidel, and depending on which side it lands – Gimel, Shin, Nun or Hay, you win peanuts in different ways.

I roll first…. I got Shin, you I put a peanut back in the pot. Now it’s your turn!

Little Boy: … What’s this?

Madu Sogoba: Gimel!!! That means you win all of the peanuts!!! All 20 peanuts are yours!!!

Little Boy: … Are you kidding me? My dad’s granary is full of thousands and thousands of peanuts. This amounts to chump change.

Madu Sogoba: Yeah, but you won 20 peanuts!!! You won!!!

Little Boy: This game sucks.

Madu Sogoba: Um… Maybe I could go buy a bag of milk candies and play with those?

Little Boy: How bout you take some serious money, break it up into large coins like 500 franc pieces, and we gamble for some real cash like all the men do! That would be motherfucking dope!!!

Madu Sogoba: Little Boy, you know that I can’t encourage gambling…

Little Boy: Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, you self-righteous, two-timing piece of shit!!! You can't take me for your little chump!!! You just told me that you lost and I won, bitch, so cough up some serious motherfucking cash!!!

Madu Sogoba: Y’know what, Little Boy? I’m trying to share my cultural heritage and you’re trying to turn it into yet another way of skizzeling me for moolah… I’m going home to play with the only people in this village who have no interest in currency…

Snoop! Jamesy! Let’s celebrate your very first Festival of Lights! Let’s play dreidel!

Snoop: How’re we supposed to spin that thing? We don’t got no opposable thumbs, jerk…

Madu Sogoba: Well… we can light the candles to commemorate the eight days of oil we miraculously hoarded in times of yore!

James Brown II: We’re also terrified of fire!!! That shit’s just an accident waitin’ to happen!!!

Madu Sogoba: … Peanuts?

James and Snoop: We’re carnivores.

Madu Sogoba: I almost forgot, I got you both a special treat at the market!!! Dried fish, and pieces of goat bones that still have slivers of meat on them!!!

James and Snoop: Yayyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

James Brown II: Hey Madu, we’ve managed to scrounge up some presents of our own!!!

Snoop, whip out that gift you been hidin’…

Madu Sogoba: You found a gift for me? How thoughtful! What is it?

Snoop: A boner!!!

Little Red Doggy Boner: (boink!)

Madu Sogoba: Snoop, that’s… disgusting. And it’s not even special – you give me a boner every day, even when it’s not Chanukah…

Snoop: You said I give you a wut wut?

Madu Sogoba: Every day, every time I so much as call your name, you give me a boner.

Snoop: He he he he he... You said... he he he he he...

James Brown II: So Madu, do most dogs give you a gift like this?

Madu Sogoba: No, no dog but you, Snoop!!! You give me a boner all the time!!! Chanukah or no Chanukah, 365 days a year you’re the horniest horn dog in all of West Africa, and you just pop boners left and right. I say “Snoop, eat your dinner” – you get a boner. I say “Snoop, go home” – you get a boner. Especially when I roll you over and check you for ticks, you get an enormous boner. It’s really gross, so please cut it out.

James Brown II: So you’re not impressed by Snoop Dogg’s Chanukah present? You’re gonna hurt his feelings!!!

Madu Sogoba: Well then, no offense Snoop, but I don’t think I can accept your present.

Little Red Doggy Boner: So… I take it I’m not welcome… Fine, I can take a hint… (slurrrrrrrrp)

Madu Sogoba: And good riddance!

James Brown II: Don’t forget – I got you a present too!

Madu Sogoba: As long as it’s not your own genitals, let’s see what it is...

James Brown II: I got you a headless chameleon!!! There’s still some good meat left on the haunches!

Madu Sogoba: Thank you!!! That’s… just what I’ve always wanted!!! How did you know?

James Brown II: Had a hunch!!! And y’know, sometimes when ya gotta hunch ya just gotta make good on it!!! So I gotcha a headless chameleon!!! When I originally caught it, the thing had a head and all… but I was hungry and I couldn’t help myself!!!

Madu Sogoba: Nonetheless, it’s the thought that counts, and I really appreciate it. In’i che kosibe!

Snoop: You too, buddy.

Madu Sogoba: But you know what I could really use from both of you? So that everyone back home can vicariously extend their Chanukah greetings?

Snoop: No, what?

Madu Sogoba: A tummy rub!!!

Dedicated to: everyone in Ameriki. I miss you all very, very much.

May Allah grant you a Chappy Chanukah, a Merry Christmas, and a Joyous Kwanzaa.

May Allah grant you a New Year of peace, happiness, and many cows.

May you eat many beans!!!

1 comment:

Jake Asher said...

wow, this is basically exactly how my hannukah goes every year! amazingly accurate! except the kids curse more.