Saturday, July 12, 2008

The Utility Maximization of American Souls - Or, Let's Get on the Express Train to Heaven!

During the summer of 2005, the Reverend Billy Graham came to New York with a pointed message about our current place in history, in particular our proximity to the end of the world; "Jesus Christ said, as the days of Noah were, so shall also the coming of the son of man be. When the situation in the world gets the way it was in Noah's day, you can look up and know that Jesus is close to coming."

Indeed, the world is getting to become more and more like it was in Noah's day, but the evidence which Reverend Graham put forth to back up his belief that "God is warning us" about the End times - the recent disappearance of a teenage girl in Aruba and the suffocation of three boys in the trunk of their parents' car - did not even hit the tip of the ominous iceberg. What he should have said is that with the destruction of the ozone layer, global warming, and the melting of the polar ice caps, the oceans of our planet are soon going to rise to a level unseen since the Flood described in Genesis. In his effort to make his sermon about Noah pertinent to local concerns, Graham could have even cited the Environmental Protection Agency's 2002 study on climate change, which predicts a two to four-foot rise in sea levels around the New York metropolitan area within the century. God must be mightily wrathful about our wickedness as he will be soon be sending our offspring packing as the Atlantic Ocean submerges much of lower Manhattan, Staten Island, and some of the biggest landmarks in Queens, including parts of the Flushing Meadows-Corona Park where Reverend Graham gave his sermon. But what should we Earth-dwellers do in regards to the imminent coming of the Apocalypse? Should we do as these secular scientists and international bureaucrats recommend forestalling the rise in sea-levels and instating mandatory caps on greenhouse gas emissions?

Hell no. Global warming is caused by humans, and humans were created by God to implement His will. Therefore the rise in sea levels and ultimate inundation of New York City and other low-lying cities is all for the best as a part of His divine plan, and to tamper with it would be a transgression of natural law. If anything, what we should do is hasten the global warming process for the betterment of both the worldly inhabitants of our civilization and especially for the ultimate denizens of the kingdom for which Billy Graham is busy securing immigration visas. When you see smokestacks, associate them not with skin cancer but with those harp lessons you have always meant to take up. consider these smokestacks to be not just releasing the products of greenhouse gas machines – think of them as steam engines powering the express train to Heaven!

Think for a moment about the semi-aquatic utopia New York could be under not four feet of salt water, but thirty-four or even forty-four! The discotheques, smut galleries, and other dens of iniquity which line the city's streets shall be totally submerged, leaving little but the spires of the financial district's capitalist cathedrals to see the light of day. Moreover, the cardboard boxes and relatively cheap, low-level apartments which lie under the new, raised sea level shall likewise be inundated, leaving the less affluent, inferior peoples who call them home to drown in a regurgitated puddle of their own sin. In this City there is a direct correlation between an individual's virtue and the number of the floor on which they live, so if we could somehow emit enough greenhouse gases into the atmosphere so that sea levels rise above every tenement building and middle-class hovel, the only living quarters which will be left dry shall be the opulent penthouse apartments which inhabit the most elite echelons of billionaires like Mayor Mike Bloomberg, real estate baron Donald Trump, and real estate heiress Leona Helmsley. And since only morally upright, hard-working individuals such as the aforementioned specimens of the human race can earn or inherit the massive amounts of wealth requisite to pay the rent on these 80th-floor penthouses, the only people left to live in all of New York after this dazzling display of Social Darwinism would surely be the better class of mankind.

Unless, of course, there are certain mutants among these inferior peoples who happen to have gills like Kevin Costner and can survive underneath the Atlantic Ocean, New York City would become as close to an ideal society that we will ever have on Earth after a thorough melting of the polar ice caps. But for those mutants from Flatbush who would escape God's will with their evolutionary advantages - intelligently designed, of course - the jobless and marginally-employed shall be eviscerated and only the true believers in the American free market economy will be left standing. If any such fish-men of the middling classes do indeed exist and manage to survive swimming about in their ground-level apartments, perhaps they can be put to some use and hired to ferry chief executives from their penthouse homes to the office by gondola. A reincarnation of Venetian culture on Wall Street - how splendid!

The weeding out of the lesser masses would nevertheless only be one short-run upshot of radical global warming, ozone layer depletion, and polar ice cap melting. The most worthy achievement which we could get from accelerating the end of the world would not be just the temporary betterment of what is left of worldly society, but the complete annihilation of it. Though we would like to preserve the environment and make life as pleasurable as possible for our future generations of Trumps and Helmsleys and Bloombergs, this concern is but a trifle; for as former Secretary of the Interior James Watt once testified, "I do not know how many future generations we can count on before the Lord returns." You must acknowledge that after the Apocalypse, and not now, is the time which we should really be worrying about. After all, the afterlife, in which the immortal soul is free from the chains of the body and the pollution of the material world, is in every way more important and gratifying than this life which we are now living. For this, true theophiles should rejoice for their death and tremble in anticipation of it! Some may disagree and say that death is a thing to be feared, but these corrupted souls are enjoy pleasures other than the hope of someday eating ambrosia in God's celestial breakfast nook.

Producing more greenhouse gases to kill off the human race is indeed sound public policy, for the aim of governments is to attain the greatest good for the greatest number. Let us do the utilitarian calculus; out of approximately 293,382,953 souls in the United States of America (let us not strain our own credulity and pretend as if we actually care about souls in other countries), there are approximately 224,437,959 souls who have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, and 68,944,994 Semites, Mahometans, Hindus and various other idolaters who have not. Therefore, if we were able to make Earth uninhabitable tomorrow, there would be 224,437,959 souls who would consequently meet their Maker and enjoy absolute bliss for pure eternity. The other 68,944,994 souls would needless to say endure the throes of Satan's lash for eternal damnation; though that is not to say that their existence would be bereft of any happiness at all, for during their average lifespan of 77.7 years these godless heathens each enjoy the serotonin produced by an average of 7,213 orgasms, 9.08 liters of alcohol and 0.8 grams of cocaine.

If you note the first utility maximization chart below, you will see just how much more happiness will be enjoyed by our 224,437,959 self-described Christian-Americans than our 68,944,994 idolaters; infinitely more happiness - even disregarding the idolaters' eternal damnation. The trump card is, of course, that our Christian brethren will be enjoying eternal bliss - which is infinite - as opposed to a finite amount of orgasms, alcohol and cocaine. Just to show you how powerful this eternal bliss factor is, let us create a hypothetical scenario in which we suppose that all Americans who portend to have accepted Jesus Christ into their lives are not quite sincere and that Billy Graham is the only one who truly has and shall ultimately wind up in Heaven. Even so, the utilitarian product of one soul times infinite is, well, infinite. And that is a lot of utility. Thus, assuming that at the very least the Reverend and some other quantity of saved souls would ascend to Heaven as a result, we must allow them to take up residence there at once by allowing our automobiles and manufacturing plants to toot their horns and spew forth enough greenhouse emissions to destroy the ozone layer and melt the polar ice caps and raise Earth's sea levels high enough so we can stamp out the existence of those living in the wilderness of sin.

Our President George W. Bush surely understands the gravity of this situation and our unique opportunity for our souls' fate to be foreclosed with industrial activity, and that is why he has doggedly fended off the advances of the other seven world powers to impose Soviet-style command-and-control emissions caps. Of course, even though Bush has looked into Tony Blair and Vladimir Putin's eyes and seen the fundamental goodness of their souls, he is too smart to let them know his ulterior motives for refusing to ratify the Kyoto Protocol, because then the Jew-dominated liberal media would find out and they definitely would not be keen on hastening the Apocalypse in which they shall be smitten with not quite fire and brimstone but water of salt. Instead, our God-fearing President tells the G-8 conferees about the how the Lord's invisible hand intervenes in economies and that the best way to "fight" not global warming but "climate change" is to establish a carbon credit market in which our greenhouse gas producers can purchase the right to destroy the ozone layer for around the price of a set of one-sided copies at Kinko's.

We have a problem, however, for though the United States can be thanked for a full 25% of the world's greenhouse gases, 150 governments representing a full 61.6% of the world's total emissions have signed on to the Kyoto Protocol and are now in the process of slowing the process of ozone depletion. Unles these neo-pagan tree-huggers are stopped, we will have to wait even longer for Judgment Day. To do this I call on President Bush to bring the Revered Billy Graham to the next summit of global leaders to tell the story of Isaiah as he did during his first crusade to New York in 1957, where he told the city of sinners tell how Isaiah warned of impending judgment unless there is sincere repentance. Only this time Graham must fundamentally misinterpret the story, for these nations must repent their ratification of the Kyoto Protocol so that we can usher the hour of divine judgment!

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